I was going to write a match report on the Lions game – but you all saw it and if you watched it on TV you saw far more of it than I did on the embankment. So I will write about the whole “Lions in the Bay” week.

But before I do, a word about the farce that was the NZRU ticket ballot.

As a way of selling test match tickets, it was a great idea – demand was always going to exceed supply so a ballot was the fairest way.

For the provincial games it was a pointless exercise, the best part being the publicity and hype it generated for the Lions tour. The fact that the ticket prices were greatly increased ($100 for the grandstand instead of the $20 to see the Bay in the NPC) made it very unlikely that all the tickets would be sold in the ballot – and if all the tickets aren’t sold, why have a ballot? Some of us didn’t get all the tickets we applied for, even though there were thousands of tickets left after the ballot?  Dean, a Mafia member, bought 4 grandstand tickets through the ballot and then found he was sitting right at the end alongside the try line. He certainly wouldn’t have spent over 400 dollars for those seats had he known in advance. Some people entered the ballot and never received a phone call.

If we do some rough maths – estimating 6,000 in the grandstand, and 8,000 on the terraces leaves about 16,000 on the embankment. The gate receipts for this game were over $1.6m. That is a massive amount of money for a provincial game and will be repeated throughout the tour.

Enough griping ………….. now to the Lions week.

Kiaora white fellas (apart from the orange looking G henson that is)...

As usual when the Bay is in the news, the Mafia was contacted for Hori’s contact details for newspapers and TV. Some of them gave a bit of notice, others wanted to tee up a filming session within a couple of hours. Luckily we are all shameless publicity seekers and responded accordingly. The Tuesday media day at Baypark featured interviews with players and coaches along with Hori whipping a poor lion. Fortunately no Mafia personnel were there to play the lion and so Hori had to recruit some poor TV crew gopher.

The Lion whipping picture was in the Herald along with a story about Hori’s removal from the sideline. This was really last year’s story but it featured quotes from all sources including me – the same reporter then asked the Mafia to tee up another fan story for later in the week. This turned into the Honki tale, in the Herald on the Friday.

And so to Thursday and I get an email at 11 asking if Hori is available to chat to Paul Holmes later in the day. Sounds more like a threat than an invitation but Hori is up for it and after a brief stop to support the Magic in their bid to keep their home final (how can the Sting finish 4^th and still get a home final!?), we meet up with the cameraman and head away to record. Hori does his whole piece in one take, even belting out the Bay song for the game (In the Plenty, the Bay of Plenty, the Lions lose tonight) for Mr Holmes. Hori’s finest moment was definitely the high notes.

Friday morning and it is an early start to attend the Radio Sport Tony Veitch Sporting Breakfast at the Novatel in Rotorua. I get there before Hori of course, as does Honki sporting a brand new Hunting Season banner. Hori arrived in his usual understated manner and then proceeded to parade around the dining room, causing confusion and consternation amongst the tables full of Japanese tourists. The press was out in force – well there was a guy from Talk Sport in the UK and a freelance Scottish journalist. Hori gave a 10 minute interview to the Talk Sport guy, then gesticulated wildly and knocked the guy’s digital recorder onto the floor where it smashed – interview lost!

He 'could have died', those Kiwis are dangerous birds...

The “Barmy Army” was there – Freddy Parker doing his usual routine. I’m not sure all the Lions fans (especially the Welsh, Scots and Irish) really want to be referred to as the Barmy Army all the time, they certainly have done an excellent job of promoting themselves, their tours and their merchandise.

In the evening, we were back at the Novatel to see “A Game of 2 Halves” compered by Veitch and it was the Bay against the Barmy Army. The Bay team was Hori, Slade McFarland, John McBeth and Anna Senio (Kevin’s wife and a top netball player) while the Barmies were Freddy, his lady assistant (I think), Miles Davis (of Mystery and the Mouth fame) and his offsider Grandad. A fairly entertaining night, the highlight being Hori stripping while attempting to woo a lady.

John McBeth took it all pretty well, not as stuffy as you might expect. Slade was up for beers and Miles Davis gave an excellent run-down on who is good on Radio Sport and who isn’t (matched my views strangely enough). Freddy from Barmy Army Limited (these guys don’t do it for love any more) is getting a bit tedious with his “you don’t sing” and “you shag sheep” lines. And Tony Veitch is a good guy as well.

Afterwards we headed into town to Hennessey’s, the HQ for Lions fans, losing Hori along the way to the offer of a free beer. The place was heaving as expected, a band playing in a marquee. Inside Honki and I started the Steamers chant (Shout Steamers in a deep voice and repeat ad nauseam) and were drowned about by about a hundred “Lions, Lions” chants. All the Lions fans were friendly without exception (from what I saw).

We headed over to Rotorua in the early afternoon, eventually found Hori and waited for a bus to the game (great idea to take fans to the stadium, terrible idea to get them back again). Hori wangled a place to change in the Novatel, and when he emerged the Lions players were just assembling to go to the game. Hori took his opportunity to cause some havoc and we later found out that it had been shown over in the UK before the game.

The lion tamer arrived. Fur coat, not much underneath and boots that were later found not to be suitable for the muddy conditions on the embankment. Hori found a Lions fan to dress up as a lion and we all looked forward to a good lion whipping. Except in true Hori fashion, he became distracted in the stadium by the hordes of people saying hello and wanting their pictures taken with him.

Honki's handiwork

The lion tamer became bored, wandered away from our group and was never seen again.

We lost. At 17-0 it was looking like it was going to be a good old Naki whipping and we’d have another game we would have to pretend never happened. At 22-20 with 10 minutes left, we obligingly replaced our hooker giving the Lions every lineout while destroying our scrum, it only seemed fair them being visitors and all.