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MAFIA TEES
Just $20 a shirt, a steal!
Not often you steal from the Mafia and live to tell the tale...
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An open letter to the Chiefs |
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Written by Mokey - token DSW fan
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Thursday, 23 February 2006 |
 To the industrious, focused, intelligent men at Chiefs headquarters.
Kind sirs, if you will allow me five minutes away from the stove, I have a confession.
I am a Chiefs supporter.
This affliction has plagued me for some years now, dating back to oh, around the mid 1990's. For some reason, the thought of a competition where 12 teams from 3 excellent rugby nations battled out for a top prize was exciting. I was ready to see some kick ass rugby. Of course I had every reason to be confident, Waikato had swept past all pretenders only a few years earlier, and the Ranfurly Shield was only making fleeting visits to other trophy cabinets. So yes, I was feeling good.
But then I found out that many of my ancestors were naughty vixens, and like Miss Keys sang "its called karma baby, and it comes around." To be a Chiefs supporter was to become my cross, a tale of seven deadly sins.
PRIDE: Waikato matched with North Harbour, Northland. How would two unions like Waikato and North Harbour, with no real affiliation combine? How would it be to have home games in Whangarei? Of course we would learn to love each other with the joy that teenagers come to love their fathers 25 year old third wife.
ENVY: The jersey. An amazing combination of colours that would have made Michelangelo weep with longing had he been around. How does one match gold with maroon with blue? And then a black zigzag? With a red logo? The Chiefs jersey of 1998 showed it could be done.
GREED: The players. Anyone remember Jason Barrell? Jason Hammond? Nick Moore? Brett McCormack? Three first division teams and they were deemed most worthy. Quite frankly, it was a monster effort by the coaching staff that these gentlemen werent poached.
GLUTTONY: The coaches. The Chiefs have been so overly blessed with outstanding men in the top job, its actually embarrassing. Chiefs supporters have quite gorged themselves on the delights of such notables as Ross Cooper and Kevin Greene. The fact is, these greats share a number of traits that have really assisted them in their work:
a) they were highly intelligent and innovative
b) they would develop promising youngsters and hold onto talent within the Chiefs boundaries.
c) they would know EVERYTHING
(Now, let me tell of a time I nearly behaved uncivilly to that gentleman Ross Cooper). I was substitute teaching at a small country school, and the Chiefs were coming to practice right in the grounds. My littlies were that excited, they had made banners, wore every peice of Chiefs apparel they could find and had spent hours practising a waiata to greet them with. Now this was combined with a sports day, and while the day started off clear it gradually began to get crappier and crappier as the hours went by. Lunchtime came and went, no Chiefs. 1pm, 2pm no Chiefs. Little faces looked to me for answers. Calls were made, the bus had left Hamilton late was the excuse. Finally, after 2 hours, the bus pulls in to the small parking lot to a crowd of crotchety, damp children. Hastily a line was formed to sing the waiata, as the Chiefs players moved towards the field, most barely even glancing at the kids. More faces looked at me. Chiefs went to field, went through drills while the stubborn kids looked on through the rain. A lucky few got to ride on the scrum machine while the big Chiefs forwards pushed. Then they started making their way to the changing rooms. The faces of the hardy few left were indescribable. "Whats happening Miss?" they asked me. I had had it by then and went to find someone in charge. "What is happening? Where are the players going" I said to Ross Cooper. He looked at me very very patronisingly and replied "the boys are a little wet. They need to get warm and dry". I have never felt like smacking anyone in the gob so much in my life. Never mind the shivering, sad children who for some reason actually admired and supported these punks. Anyhoo, I digress.
SLOTH: The rotation policy. Why take the time to pick the fifteen best players when you can just put a rotation policy in place. Stability and continuity are incredibly over-rated.
WRATH: Gary Dawson and Pat Mellsop. How could the franchise not surge ahead with two such legends overseeing things?
LUST: The Retravision Rockettes. If the brilliant rugby wasnt enough, the Chiefs management topped it off with outstanding half time entertainment. Now these men were wily, they were smart. They knew the modern men of today werent interested in seeing women with lush curves shake their booties in time to pop music, oh no. So they scoured the intermediates of Hamilton for the skinniest, flattest pre teens they could find. Then of course, they trialed them. Any girl with rhythm or the ability to dance in time was immediately booted out, for the men knew that no one wants to see a routine....
Oh I shouldnt grumble, I know, the fact that I grew up in the Waikato is enough positive ticks in the ledger for any person. But now, oh yes now its quite different. I have witnessed a lot and kept my peace, but now I cannot. And sirs, it is you I find fault with, condensing down into one simple question:
HOW THE FARK CAN YOU HAVE A TEAM WITH AT LEAST 9 CURRENT/FORMER ALL BLACKS, AND LOSE TO THE FARKING SHARKS AND THE FARKING CATS!!!!!!!!!!!
Now if you will excuse me, the timer is buzzing.
Yours, etc
Mokey |
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Steamers 2008 |
| : Air New Zealand Cup |
| 31 July: Tasman Away |
| 9 Aug: Counties Rotorua |
| 16 Aug: Harbour Baypark |
| 22 Aug: Northland Away |
| 30 Aug: Wellington Away |
| 5 Sep: Otago Baypark |
| 12 Sep: Auckland Rotorua |
| 18 Sep: Canterbury Away |
| 25 Sep: Southland Baypark |
| 3 Oct: Hawke's Bay Away |
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